Thurs 22nd July

Ahh, our first day of walking and straight away, in the first hour, we got lost! Fortunately we were with Group One so we were hoping the motto “many hands make light work” would somehow relate to “many hikers make the route clearly visible”. Unfortunately our maps were telling us that we were lost in a large part of the local area marked “Danger Zone”. Apparently this special zone was a military firing range used by the army. However we could not find an alternative route so we decided to trudge on.

So there was us, in this huge field, worried that we were going to be failed and at the same time, worried that someone would jump out and fire at us. What can I say? Watching too many movies makes us paranoid and melodramatic. And when we find bullets and grenades scattered in random patches of undergrowth, the mind does tend to wander into the world of make believe….

Okay, it actually takes a steep nose dive into the world of nightmares and delusion but hey! And then we found a bullet and an empty air grenadey thing which just made things even more dramatic. And by that I quote “ARGH DON’T TOUCH IT IT WILL EXPLODE AND BLOW US TO PIECES!”

After a while we found out where we were on the map, and where we had to go…
“Jesus, that’s a huuuuge f off hill!”
“Yes Zoe. It is”
Whilst trying to get through some long grass we found one of Derbyshire’s most common natural wonders.
Bogs.
Lots of them.
Cue the screaming and the cries of “I want to go home!”

A particular low point was when Hollis, in failing to jump the bog, subsequently sunk her leg right through the ground. Luckily, her high pitched squeaks drew the attention of a disgusted Miner Matt who managed to pull her out before the rest of her fell in. This point left Zoe, who was still on the other side, feeling very hesitant about trying her luck at jumping the bog. Luckily, as a group, everyone pooled their experience of which patch of ground was stable and which patch of ground was a deep ditch covered by patch of grass pretending to be solid ground. Eventually all the advice led to a successful crossing of the bog and no more legs were sucked underground.
That my friend, I do believe, is called teamwork.

However in the end we did get our act together and finally got out wherein we saw this large sign saying:
“Danger- Ministry of Defence Range. Do not pass beyond this barrier until the sentry says that it is safe to do so”
Oops.

After being reprimanded by Mr Sinden we were told that, for the first time EVER in D of E history, Group Five had just failed their first component. That’s when the gravity of the situation sunk in. We had just been through hell and back and there was another 2 days to come. Group Five were not going to put themselves through hell only to FAIL.

And so it was decided that the groups should be separated to prevent “distraction”, THUS Group Five were held back by a delay of ten minutes whilst Group One were sent merrily on their way. (Losers)

Ten minutes later, Group Five continued their journey out and amongst the hills and in particular down a hill covered in wild heather. We could clearly see a small Group One in the distance and the route that they had taken was quite visible as the heather had been severely flattened. No amount of ploughing – (neither bag first nor feet first)- would work so after futile attempts to go through the heather, we took our only option. To go ON the heather.

And it was FUN! Its so springy and mushroomy, its like jumping from a bouncy castle to another. And thus Group Five made their way down the hill, jumping to and from having the time of their lives.

Until someone fell down that is.

But no worries, we pulled Hollis back up eventually. After we’d realised we were a man down (interpret as you will). And after we’d spotted her hand frantically waving at us from amongst the undergrowth.
Team complete, we carried on in our peculiar manner like the troopers we were, until a teeny tiny spider brought all our plans crashing to a grinding halt. Quite literally.
Zoe and Elly at the front were suddenly stopped in their tracks when a “spider” was spotted on one of their bags. And then whilst trying to catch it, bag straps got tangled up, feet tripped up in the heather and in the confusion, kerfuffle and manic screaming, somehow Chizzel ended up face down in the mud. Which of course was hardly enjoyable. (Group One later said they had heard screaming but now understood.)

Continuing their mission to capture, I mean catch up with, Group One, Group Five headed on their merry way. And walked straight into enemy territory.
Cow land.

The path lead straight THROUGH a herd of cows who were lounging around. There was no way around them, much to the despair of Group Five – who in case you didn’t know- destest and fear and/or are repulsed by cows.
Elly, being the one who was least bothered about cows, went first hand in hand with Zoë who was not enjoying the idea of having to squeeze through the tiny gap between the cows rear end and the wall. The others decided to jump the fence and go over the cows but alas, after a failed attempt to get their bags over, they decided to wait and see what the outcome of the first encounter would be. Elly calmly walked through the cows in her serene manner whilst Zoë, quickly following, shouted “SHOOO YOU MOO!” and they got through the gate in one piece leaving the others deliberating whether to turn back and go home or to make their way through the cows too. Hollis and Haz swiftly walked through looking straight ahead (whimpering slightly) and finally it was Chrisi’s turn.

But as she walked through, the cow nearest to her let out a loud moo and shifted its position on the precarious edge. It backed up towards Chrisi’s exit leaving Chrisi increasing her pace. It mooed. Chrisi stood paralysed. It lifted its tail. Chrisi covered her face, bracing herself for an impact.

It let out a hissing stream of cow pee. The cow was satisfied. Chrisi on the other hand was disgusted.

And as Group five made their way through the gate, they noticed a set of footprints in the cow crap. A set of hiker footprints. Group One had been there. Zoë bent down and touched it before rubbing her fingers together and declaring …. “Still damp… they’re not far” ** (**may not have actually happened)

And finally, we reached Dowall Hall Farm. It was a really nice big field with nearby running water, REAL toilets and a lovely setting.
However…. the toilet turned out to be outside shed with no light except the natural light coming from the large window next to the toilet in which there was no pane. SO basically – if someone happened to walk past, they’d get a clear view of you.
Yes, it WAS a difficulty trying to use the toilet when it was dark. And also you had to go in twos so one person could stand in front of the window and block the view from any prying eyes. (Cows are perverts I tell you)

That night we slept better as we were pretty exhausted anyway. Though some people decided to go climb a nearby f-off hill – for fun. Ooookay..
The night passed quickly but it did rain however, and that’s when we realised that the tent was in fact, not waterproof. Great.
And then the owners started milking the cows at about 5 in the morning. Even better!.
Who needs alarm clocks when you can be awoken by the sound of cows in labour?
Blimmin farmers.